Love in reality is when you still want to be with a person after you can’t sleep because of how they occupy the bed, when you still want to kiss them with their morning breath, when you do the dishes not because you want to, but because you don’t want her to have to wake up to a sink full of dirty dishes tomorrow, when you show up even when you don’t want to, when you go places because it’s important to her, and because you smile together, and laugh together, and finish each others sentences.
I’ll let others deal with the fantasies. The reality is good enough for me.
My fiance says I stress him out and he needs space but does not want to break up. He booked an Airbnb for 3 weeks and has blocked my number. What should I do?
First, you should complete what was. You don't need to get married just because you invested all this time in a relationship.
Let's start with, knowing everything you do about him, would you still choose him if you only met him today?
If no, stop reading and end it. If yes, keep going.
I don't think the way he deals with “stress” is healthy for your relationship. What you want is to establish channels of communication so that it never gets to the point that he needs a three week break from you. This is not to say he can't take a break, and even cut off contact, but it shouldn't be to be able to deal with you.
When he comes back, ask him first “Knowing everything you do about me, would you still choose me if you only met me today?”
If no, stop reading and end it. If yes, read on.
Now you want to pick your flavor. For some, a simple agreement to be honest with each other is enough. You might want to check in and make sure you never go to bed with anything unsaid between you. You might acknowledge each other every night/once a week/pick your frequency.
You might want to actually sit down and plan your future. Does your vision and his look the same? Can they be reconciled?
What does he need to unwind? How can you help him have that? What is it that you don't notice, or simply dismiss, or is there something that remains unsaid?
What I am suggesting is take a step back from the marriage conversation and have a conversation about your lives, and your commitments to each other, and about your commitments to the world (if you are that sort of person), and about what you two could be as a team going forward. And then align action to actually make that happen.
If your notion of the perfect date is going home with the hottest chick at the bar, this article is not for you. I'm about helping YOU have great long-term relationships. If that's what you want, you've come to the right place. (If you are not sure what you want, get that straightened out first.)
So what's the perfect date? It's certainly not some Hollywood fantasy of a chance meeting turning into an all night escapade and exploding into eternal love by morning. Neither is it the Hollywood favorite of finally winning your long-held secret love when she is falling for someone else.
Put simply, the perfect date leaves you with a “Heck Yeah!” or a solid “No.” If you are left in “Maybe Land,” you are killing your future.
So Here's What You Want to Know:
Your date is going to be about getting to know her values, her vision, her habits, her commitments and her expectations. Are they compatible with your own? It's not that you have to share them all, but you have to know if there's a good chance you can work with each other.
And that starts with being clear for yourself. Start by figuring out what's important to you. If you are a militanrt vegan, that might not jive with a partner who just has to start her day with bacon and eggs.
Do you have to hit the links with your crew every Sunday morning (save maybe on your honeymoon)? Does she expect you to give up your vulgar friends when you grow up and get married? How about be in church in your Sunday best, with the kids, while she sleeps in?
Does she plan to save the world? Is it her own crusade, or does she expect you to be her First Lieutenant? Or is it okay if you hang back and watch the game and mow the lawn?
You get the point. Make the list. List everything that is important to you. Figure out which really matter. If you are meeting women on-line, make sure your non-negotiables are clear. It does make the pool smaller. It also makes you stand out from the crowd, and saves both of you time.
Set the Stage:
Like I said before, you want a “Heck Yeah” or a solid “No,” and you want it quickly. So start with a short date, but let that already reflect your values. If you just love one of those big pretzels with mustard and a walk through the park, invite her to that over a lunch break. If you know she has a favorite coffee shop, offer to meet her there.
And if you can, find out a little something about her, a favorite color, or book, or flower, or a hobby or an interest. And if you find out she's into fantasy games and imagines herself an elf queen, maybe you find her a little token that appreciates that.
The point is you want to check if you are comfortable where she is, and the other way around. And if this leaves you with a bunch of “Nos” before the first date, and that's great too. Did you really want dates that weren't going anywhere anyway?
So assuming the date is on, put on a nice pair of shoes (matching your belt if you can), and go be yourself with her.
If you want to get a bit bolder, tell her this is her one chance with you. You are going to walk out of this date saying “Heck Yeah, I'd love another date” or “No, thank you.” So she might as well be herself, because you are pretty sure that's the only thing that might move you.
How can I develop a mature and yet attractive character?
I'm an 18 year old girl. How can I develop a mature character before going to 12th grade after this summer? I want to start being normal and mature unlike my 11th grade self who was so weird and had an inconsistent character.
You can first be yourself. I don't know what mature means to you, but in my book it starts with understanding that the only person you really need to serve in this world is yourself.
A mature person cries when he feels like crying and laughs when the world amuses him. A mature person doesn't worry if he looks weird. A mature person realizes that most people are way too concerned about how they look to worry too much about the next person. A mature person gets that those who laugh at someone else usually do so to avoid people looking too closely at themselves.
A mature person is also sensitive as to the effect he has on those around him. What you want to master is listening. Get into other people's worlds and make a difference.
It's like when your best friend's boyfriend dumps her, and you bring her a flower just to remind her that she's still loved, regardless of the jerks in her life, and it doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks that you would actually give a flower to another girl. You know what your friend needs and you are going to take care of it.
This is mature. Doing what you know is right, and not worrying about what others will think about it.
And the other thing a mature person gets is that you are either growing or you are dying. There is no middle space. The mature person chooses to grow, to constantly be better than he was yesterday.
And if you are still at the beginning of the road, as the questioner here was, then I'd suggest starting with learning to move (maybe a little dance), learning impeccable table manners, learning to look people in the eye when you talk to them, and taking splendid care of yourself: make sure you get a little exercise, eat well, sleep well, and always keep your promises, especially to yourself.
And the thing is, if you do this, there might be a lot of people who don't actually think you are that mature. But on the other hand there will be so many people attracted to and respecting who you are—including yourself—that it won't really matter.
Why is the dating game for men so brutal? How do you get into it if you've been outside of it for various reasons?
I'm 25. Throughout high school & college I worked my ass off to get through it all without any student loans. Being in engineering physics, I was mostly surrounded by guys and never had any time for any dating. I did what I felt was responsible at the time, but now I feel like I made a mistake.
The dating game is not brutal. If you'd put in as much work as you did in engineering, you'd be able to meet women with a half a wink of your eye.
But you didn't. You need to think of yourself as a freshman in dating. You will make mistakes. You may even have to learn some basics just to gain any proficiency, but if you take it on as you did engineering, you'll have a Ph.D. in no time.
But you are also a scientist. You understand the notion of statistical significance, iteration, posing theories and testing them. Take this approach to dating. Go to a place where females of the appropriate age and circumstances congregate, and do an experiment. Try out different introductions. Try out different questions. Try out asking something, and then not talking. Let her fill the space.
You're in a great place. You can't blame yourself for what you did or didn't do. You can learn from it and move on.